July 30, 2010

Shit jobs I've had and the assholish behaviour I have exhibited whilst doing them

Ages 16-18 McDonalds:
I won't lie, I learnt alot of responsibility from this job. I also acted like a complete child. But then they hire teenagers and treat them like they are at school, so what do they expect? I volunteer to be a party clown on Saturdays. I dress up and look like a dickhead, run around with kids all day long, put on 5kgs from eating ice cream cake and am guaranteed never to work a Friday or Saturday night. It's pretty sweet (I have no shame. I'm still balleting at this point). We run scams to give friends free food; we run scams to feed ourselves free food; we make elaborate stories to skip out on shifts; I tell a customer to go fuck herself; I get a warning for talking to much (see above, treating us like we are at school). My mum gags when she picks me up from the smell on my uniform. I slam my thumb in the giant freezer handle and bleed all over the kitchen. I make life long friends and vow never to feed my children this shit.

Ages 18-20 Tertiary education institution:
My kind-of-MIL (we've never gotten married) gives me a job as an office trainee. I learn the art of pilfering office supplies and the joys of the internet. She has me run personal errands for the family and I sort of want to kill her for it. I have a total douche bag fired for sexual harassment after he tells me about the sexual activities of he and his wife. I make friends with lots of other bored office admins and start Friday afternoon drink sessions that get incredibly messy. My and my fellow admin-partner-in-crime mess with the office asshole who has OCD. We take great joy in touching all his things when we are talking to him and rearranging everything in his office ever so slightly when he is away. Dude is a fuck wit and totally deserves it.

20-21 Government regulated department that ambulates sick people:
I type case notes all day and become fascinated with the medical information within them. I make friends with the only other person as young as me and we go to a place that has half-price drinks on a Tuesday and drink our lunch. I wonder why I never thought of working half pissed before, it's much more fun. I learn that 30 women within close proximity is about 25 too many. The hormonal bullshit that occurs kind of makes me hate all womankind. I take great delight in messing with the drug addicts that ring up screaming about a bill for an ambulance they didn't even want.

21-25 back at tertiary education institution in the arts area:
Working at a funky new campus with a performing arts sector and a visual arts sector. The students are so much fun, alot of my friends are studying here at this time and the other lower level admin staff are lovely ladies who also become life-long friends. The higher level admin people, in particular the manager, are completely fucked. They suck big time. In my first week I am tricked into doing the managers job, that I'm underwhelming unqualified for, whilst she goes on holidays. I make it a point to make her life a misery for the next 4 years once I find out. I smoke bongs with the students up on the roof, gossip with the gay music theatre boys and get screamed at by queens who think they should be winning Oscars and Tony's but are instead stuck teaching. I see way too many naked people - the life drawing studio has no blinds and they decide not to get any seeing as though me and cece are they only people that can see in there. Thanks. To save money they try to fire me. They ask every staff member if they have any complaints with me. There are none. I have them reprimanded by the union, find another job, give them no notice and shred my work before I walk out the door. Bridges? Burnt.

25 Private hospital for like 5 minutes:
I'm still really curious about working in the medical field. I take an admin job at a hospital thinking it will be awesome. It's not. The women are so "cliquey". Some of them are total bogans and actually a bit scary. I'm late to work one day and fired on the spot. I later find out that it's because some chick who worked there from age 16-30 left, got a job in a completely different field, hated it and wanted a job back at her comfort zone. I scream bloody murder once I find out. 6 months after I leave the department they work in is bought out by a company and run independently. The new managers hate them all so much they are all fired. I laugh when I find out. I get an application from one of them at my new job. I take great delight in ringing her back and pretty much telling her to go fuck herself.

25-28 Manager of small investment company:
I've never worked somewhere small before and it's a family owned business. They are associated with a larger parent company in Melbourne (still in the family) and I get to go down alot which is fun. One of my bosses is totally sweet and old school. I go out of my way to help him and like bossing him into line. My other boss is a christian, conservative nut job and I take great joy in messing with him. He spends 4 years trying to convince J and I to get married. J stops coming to work events so that I won't lose my job. One day he said something particularly offensive and then asked me to make up some stationary for his church. I design a gay pride motif, this goes straight over his head and is sent to all his followers or what ever you call them. On Charles Darwin's birthday I buy a cake. He's not happy about it. We have bi-annual admin meetings in Melbourne that are all my idea and are basically drink fests. All the other admins get free trips from all over the country and it costs the company a fortune. It's the best fun ever. Most Friday's our bosses leave at lunch. In 4 years we do absolutely no work on a Friday afternoon EVER. I sit in my office and feel sick when I think about the future. Sitting here for the rest of my working life gives me anxiety. I secretly apply and get into uni. The day I tell my (dickhead) boss he is so shocked he is speechless .. and then "I thought you were about to tell me your quitting to have kids". I hate him just a little bit more. The tone implies that he doesn't think I can do it.

I do it.

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