See that little black cloud over there? Well it's headed this way!

AC/DC were amazing and I have a post floating round in my head about how much fun my family is but this is weighing on me more. Why have a blog if you can’t spew self-indulgent rubbish all over the internet? Exactly!

...

Ever since I can remember I’ve wanted kids. I love kids, I love babies. I really enjoyed my younger sisters when they were babies (7 years younger than me). J was pretty adamant that he didn’t. But then I guess a lot of young guys are. A few years ago he decided kids wouldn’t be that bad. There was no coercing, no real discussion really (not like with marriage, where we discussed and realised we both thought it was pretty stupid and we didn’t want to). It kind of just came about. Still I was pretty shocked and worried when I accidentally got pregnant in April last year. I’d just started uni, was only working part-time. J was having a pretty icky depressive episode and wasn’t working very much either. Actually to be quite honest I freaked. the. fuck. out. I told him I thought I might be pregnant and he just sat around and waited outside the bathroom while I .. well you know .. peed on stuff. When I opened the door and showed him the line I started hyperventilating. I had to lie down on the bathroom floor (eww. I hadn’t cleaned it haha). And he made some stupid joke that I can’t even remember and even though I was freaking I knew that we would be ok. I was only 6 weeks. We held off till 8 and then started telling people. I couldn’t help myself. He thought we should wait a little bit longer. And then 10 weeks and I started to cramp …

One D&C and the burning realisation that I really want a baby later, we decided not so much to try but just not actively prevent it happening again. Yeah, I got pregnant a month and a half later. We were excited but nervous. And before we even got around to telling our parents (which we had agreed would be the only people we told for a while) I got a pain in a really specific area on the left side of my abdomen. I can still remember it. I dragged myself out of bed that morning for a 9am biology lecture. It was about female hormones. When exam time rolled around last October I still couldn’t look at the notes for that lecture. We’d been studying all week about the minuet details of reproduction. How that achy crampy feeling you get at about 5-6 weeks is actually the ligaments of your pelvis doing stretchy, hormoney stuff. And I was sitting there kind of subconsciously thinking “yep that’s happening” till I had the horrifying realisation that I had an achy, crampy feeling alright but it was only in one bloody spot and it wasn’t where my uterus was.

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I don’t believe this. Someone just came in the office and told my boss (oh, haven’t I mentioned it? She’s my MOTHER IN LAW) that they are pregnant.


If you’ll excuse me I’m going to plead sick and go home and drink a bottle of wine. I’ll finish this tomorrow.

Love the Beast

I watched Revolutionary Road last night. I haven't read the book, but jez-a-lou it left me feeling icky. The ending is pretty brutal. The movie isn't bad (I heart Kate) it's just one of those movies that leaves me feeling .. what exactly? Perhaps anxious? Heart thumpingly depressed(ish)? Hard to say.

I dreamt last night (oh here we go - way to bring in the readers Ginny. There is nothing more boring than hearing about other peoples dreams) that I had a tiny new born baby. The first distressing thing was I couldn't remember giving birth. Then I realised I'd pissed it off and the baby hated me. J (partner) kept putting him (bloody hell I think it's name was Andrew! wtf?) in a too big cot that the baby kept almost falling out of. I woke feeling awful but also strangely elated at the vividness of knowing that I had a tiny (hateful) (heh) perfect baby. I was so disturbed and discombobulated by it all that I got up and took a couple of nurofen plus preempting the headache I could feel lingering but mostly just for the lovely, soothing codeine buzz to lighten my mood. I swear I'm not a drug addict ! Just a resourceful nurse.

Does anyone else dream like this? I dream vividly every night and can always remember the minuet details the next day. And sometimes like today, it's so real that it bothers me for days.

God I can't wait for uni to start.

(piss ... the heading? Have you seen this documentary? I love Eric. If I had a million I'd have some mechanic rebuild an old Holden Torana coupe and do the Targa. Driving as fast as you can around one of the most beautiful places in the world? I'm in)

I have 15 things to do so I'm starting a blog intead!

I've been reading blogs for years .. years and YEARS! Quite honestly (this is so awful to admit) it's probably the reason I was able to stick at admin work for so long. That right there was a huge indicator that perhaps, just maybe, I needed something more in my life. So I quit. My partner was sick, there were bills that needed to be paid and I quit. I started uni in Feb last year and I haven't looked back.

So a new year has just rolled around and I'm back in the office again. Right back where I started 10 years ago actually. But I finished my first year of uni. I even passed. Not bad considering the miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy thrown in for good measure!

So! 2010! We're up to our eyeballs in debt, I'm minus a few internal organs, I want a baby so bad I can taste it and I more than likely drink too much.

I've never been more content ...